Confession of a People Pleaser

Or, wherein I endeavor to speak with uncommon candor concerning my present struggles, together with my earnest desire to become more fully the person God is calling me to be.

Introductions are never easy. At least, not for me. I never really know where to start, what to focus on, or what to say. You either know me and have already, likely, formed a conclusion, or you don’t know me and this is my one chance to swing and ... miss.

I’ve been the sum of many things in this life. Some good, some bad. All of it, in one way or another, likely deserved. I’ve always appreciated Paul’s self-assessment as the “foremost of sinners” (1 Timothy 1:15), or Jacob who, looking back on his life, said, “Few and evil have been the days of my pilgrimage” (Genesis 47:9). The point is simple enough: when it comes to how one should live, I have fallen short more often than not. And don’t try to disagree, I have a front-row seat to what’s happening behind the scenes. You only see what I want you to see.

And therein lies the problem. We’re living in a society where people seem deeply committed to putting on a show.

From a young age, my parents, especially my mom, pressed me to always do the right thing, be a “good boy,” make them proud, etc. And it never really felt like I did. Add to that a sister (God bless her) who had a bit of an obstinate streak, plus the typical parental arguments that most homes experience, and suddenly I felt the weight of being the peacemaker. The easiest way to keep the peace was to… please people.

But that’s impossible.

First, not all people can be pacified. Some people are simply grumpy. Second, no one is perfect; eventually you mess up. And the stress of maintaining the role of “the pleaser” needs an outlet or you break. So I bifurcated. Outwardly I looked whole, but inwardly I lacked integrity. That would become a problem over the years.

So would the habit of pleasing people.

To make matters worse, I did the most counterproductive thing a people-pleaser can do: I went into ministry. An effective minister is not a people-pleaser (1 Thessalonians 2:4). But after some extremely painful seasons: when being truthful led to conflict, loss, and wounds, I reverted to what I knew. I became a pleaser again. That habit touched everything, including my writing.

I’ve had a blog for as long as blogs have existed. And though my writing was for myself, I was afraid to share it. So I hid my blog. It became a secret outlet. A place where I could speak freely without the fear of upsetting someone. God forbid I upset someone. But this didn't work. If I wanted a diary, I'd keep a diary. I wanted a blog. A public blog. Hiding it wasn't working so over time, I wrote less and less until eventually I stopped. 

Life, however, is a journey of exploration and, hopefully, growth. As I keep traveling, one of the things I’m trying to do is become more comfortable in my own skin while shedding habits that keep me from becoming the person God is calling me to be.

Which leads me to Skandalizō.

I’ve decided to retire my old blog, may it rest in peace, and begin something new.

The intention here is to speak freely. Not maliciously, but truthfully and lovingly. My own rules going forward:

• Post weekly

• Be honest and true to myself

• Focus on topics I enjoy and care about

• Remain humble and open to being wrong

• Be fair and balanced (I don’t care if Fox misappropriated the phrase; it still works)

• Be comfortable not pleasing everyone

This blog will also be for people who are okay with being disrupted. What do I mean? Well, my “fair and balanced” bullet point probably landed differently depending on where you sit. If you lean Right, it might have excited you. If you lean Left, it may have triggered you. Maybe you didn’t even make it to the next sentence—which reveals what I think of Fox News. That’s the point. If you are so entrenched in political identity that you cannot imagine another perspective, this probably isn’t the place for you.

I know people right now whose love or hatred for Trump is so strong they’ve stopped thinking. He’s the Savior (he’s not). He’s Hitler (also not). It is entirely possible to not agree with someone's political conclusion while simultaneously also not agreeing with their opponent. But that isn't acceptable. Nuance is dying.

This space is for people who want to make thinking great again. Who enjoy the journey. Who like learning, reading, wondering. Who appreciate science fiction, theology, hiking, cooking, brewing gluten-free beer, good movies, great music or whatever sparks curiosity.

So this is the beginning -- again. A quieter place, away from the noise of Facebook and the constant pressure to appease whoever’s watching. I won’t get everything right here, and I won’t please everyone and finally, I’m at peace with that.

If something you find here unsettles you, maybe it’s supposed to. God has often used disruption to draw me closer to truth, and perhaps something here will do the same for you.

Either way, I’m writing because I need to write. If you choose to come along, I’m glad you’re here. If not, that’s alright too.

Here’s to stumbling forward, honestly, imperfectly, and without the fear of who might be watching.